


My Muse

by TheQuirkyOne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Art Student Eren Yeager, Chance Meetings, Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Fluff and Angst, Genderfluid Hange Zoë, Hate to Love, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, London, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Related, Musician Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Slow Burn, things are going to get dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-02-08 04:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21470287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQuirkyOne/pseuds/TheQuirkyOne
Summary: Levi has no love for life, but that doesn't mean he can't love someone enough to make life finally worth living.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29





	1. Green Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooo, a story I will hopefully be updating often. Enjoy, and feedback is very very much welcomed, thanks a lot!  
(I do not own any characters from Attack on Titan.)

People can never quite understand anguish unless they experience it first hand. It's similar to how faith is accompanied by an unwillingness to believe in things that cannot be seen, heard, smelled, touched or tasted. Yet hypocrisy lies in human nature and the brutal way in which we crave and search for knowledge. Only when people experience anguish will they wish to have remained unaware and above all, ignorant.

Levi walked the busy streets of London, glaring intensely at the cobbled stones. He stepped this way and that with a graceful dexterity, avoiding the forming puddles with a determination that was a rarity to witness.

"Shouldn't have bought the cheapest fucking shoes. Waterproof my ass, you thieving bastard." The mutterings rose and dipped as the dark haired man narrowly avoided the oblivious passersby rushing to be out of the sprinkling rain. Levi was in a tremendously bad mood. His earnings from last nights gig had been chopped when he slammed a patron into an expensive part of the bar. The fucker deserved it for trying to feel up an unwilling woman but then the fact that he could no longer afford a new pair of shoes made him wonder if he should have intervened at all. Whenever he did anything supposedly good, karma didn't do anything to thank him. He was too fucking nice. He knew he should be thankful the bar didn’t press charges but he was no longer welcome to perform there and it was one of the nicer places. Letting out a heavy exhalation, he realised he would probably have to double his crappy shifts at McDonald’s.

“Watch it you fucking moron!” A rude man he had apparently knocked into, yelled, as he continued on his way, barging Levi out of his path. Brows wrinkled together with a comforting familiarity as his mood darkened further. He fixed his guitar bag back in place and strolled on, hunching his shoulders further inwards to help placate the evil straps from cutting craters into his skin. He probably should have left it at home, considering he was just out for a pair of shoes but he took it in a split second decision to visit the bar he trashed and apologise while offering a free performance that evening. After his purchase he aimed to visit a cheap cafe to wait for the rain to subside and gather what little courage he had to face the owner before what little daylight began to fade. Cars whizzed past, manipulating street lamps to playfully chase after them. The image resembled an oil painting with how rain clung to the vehicles vibrant colours, contrasting vividly against the drab city background. Levi gazed, entranced, the frown melting from his face to form a gentle tilt of his lips that many would find striking.

The squelching of cheap trainers, that would have been embarrassing in a quieter setting, was masked by the roar of traffic. Levi tutted in distaste at the moist feeling. Thinking back to his plan of action he realised he should probably text Hange to let them know he wouldn’t be home in time to make food. He was about to pull out his phone when the rain become more apparent, grumbling, Levi consoled himself that he’d do it at the cafe. He checked the time anyway, 16.37, his eyes widened and his legs kicked up a gear, he’d barely be able to get a coffee! Fumbling to put his crappy phone away he proceeded to slam into a human body. Levi stumbled back, grappling with his guitar case which caused his phone to topple from his hands to land with a solid thud. Levi blinked.

“What the fuck.” Levi didn’t know how to react, but it seemed he didn’t have to. The person who he’d bumped into was already crouched, picking up the phone and shakily exhaling in relief when there were no cracks to be seen.

"I'm so sorry, are you okay? It was completely my fault, I mean, who stops in the middle of the street to stare at cars, right? I'm really sorry. Here’s your phone, it’s fine, see?” Levi was numbly staring at the ground during the desperate barrage of questions but was startled when his wet phone was shoved into his face. More drained than angry Levi just wanted that fucking cup of coffee.

“It’s fine, it's a Nokia after all, no way that shit’s going to break even if you dropped it off a fucking cliff-” With the phone in his hand, all that filled his sight was the colour green. Very bright green.

“I still feel bad, I really am sorry.”

A boy, for he could barely be described as a man was shuffling his feet in a mildly awkward way. Furrowed brows and anxious emerald eyes flitted in a state of nervousness while he fiddled with a plastic shopping bag. With no umbrella and incredibly ill-suited clothes for a rainy Monday evening in March, he stood out as a peculiar individual. His brain seemed to kickstart.

“It’s fine but listen kid, try not to stop dead next time, shouldn’t you be in bed anyway.” The last part was grumbled and Levi really didn’t mean it but he was just a little pissed and a pissed Levi was a mean Levi. The young man paused his shuffling and stared him right in the eyes with a semi bewildered look, as if searching for a reasonable explanation for such a hostile reaction. Then the amiable demeanour slowly shifted to reluctant animosity. 

"What's your problem?" A scowl stole over his features and Levi couldn’t help but mirror the look, he was not in the mood to be dealing with hormonal teens. A wet shudder shook his shoulders as the rain suddenly poured harder.

"Other than the fact that you need to use both eyes when walking down a busy ass street?" Levi didn’t know why he was getting so riled up, it was just a fucking kid but he could feel his blood burning hotly, he wasn’t even angry about the phone anymore but rather over the kids’ attitude. The pounding raindrops were nearly deafening. A few people here and there, unaware of anything but themselves, walked around the drenched pair blocking the pavement. The roads had quietened, excluding the occasional passing car that rivalled the sound of the rain. They stared heatedly at one another, a strange energy sparking between them, they paid it no mind but Levi couldn’t quite ignore how the water clung to the boys' eyelashes, or the fiery green eyes that burned incandescent with an unreasonable amount of rage. Levi knew he’d just make it worse.

“Fucking hell, are you even old enough to be left unsupervised? Has mummy gone missing?”

The last remark seemed to make him snap because shockingly fast, the young man swung a fist sending him stumbling backwards. Pain throbbed sweetly through his synapses like an old friend. A distant gasp from a passerby greeted his ears but he could barely hear it over the roaring of his blood. Levi’s glower became downright menacing. He hated unnecessary attention. Bringing his eyes forward, he slowly rubbed his sore chin while green eyes glinted with superiority. The roaring got louder, making his fingers twitch. Well, that wouldn't do.

His fist flew before he could process it, knocking the cocky shit off his feet and into a large puddle behind him. Satisfaction rippled through Levi before he caught sight of the brats plastic bag. Multiple eyes followed the shopping bag as it went skidding across the damp street into the path of an oncoming truck. Seconds dragged by as they all watched the truck approach at a frightening speed. Suddenly, the boy began to sprint towards the road and Levi knew from the moment that he scrambled to his feet that he wasn't going to make it. Fire raced through his veins as he ran after the stupid brat. Reaching out he grabbed his collar and yanked with a strength fuelled by fear. The truck harmlessly fluttered a few chestnut locks before the force of Levi's pull dragged him backwards into strong, secure arms. The boy yelled manic protests as the contents of his bag were crushed. The truck driver sped onwards, blissfully ignorant. The boy slumped, staring at the remnants of his purchases with frozen disbelief while Levi effortlessly dragged the dead weight away from the road and a few shocked drivers. Once safe, he dropped the boy like a hot pan. The rain continued to pour.

"What the fuck is wrong with you." Levi was shaking, hand clutching his guitar bags straps in a death grip as he attempted to move them back into place. Muscles spasming with adrenaline and nerves shot, he gave himself permission to lecture the reckless kid in front of him.

"It's a fucking bag, what the fuck could have been important enough to risk your fucking life!"

“Shut up!” The boy clambered to his feet but stumbled slightly towards the road and Levi's instant reaction was to reach for him again. A hand slapped his away, cracking their knuckles together in a painful collision which caused Levi to swear through gritted teeth. Furious green eyes distracted him from the pain.

“You don’t know anything!” He screamed with a ferocity that made Levi hesitate, stunned, making the initial anger and fear dissipate to a bone deep weariness.

"I know you would have been flatter than a fucking pancake if I hadn't dragged your stupid ass away from that truck.” Levi said with the intention of being placating but the statement simply did the opposite.

“You have no fucking right to lecture me when it’s your own fault in the first place! What do you expect me to say? Thanks!?” His deep, heavy breathing seemed to be the only thing keeping him calm enough to keep his fists to himself. Levi felt shame creeping along his cheeks, that was exactly what he expected. The young man seemed to assume so if the disgust in his eyes was anything to go by. Levi was just about to utter a quiet but heartfelt apology when a jolly ringtone interrupted him. The brat didn’t spare him a second glance when he caught sight of the caller ID, walking a fair distance away to stand beneath a little overhang from a closed charity shop.

Levi continued to stand in the rain, stumped and feeling a little lost as to what to do next. He was unsure whether to carry on with his plan and visit the bar. Checking his phone he realised he missed all cafe opening hours so there would be no courage gathering available. Maybe he should just go home and hide away rather than try to make amends with a stranger. The sky was becoming more overcast by the minute and Levi sighed, ruffling his soaked hair he winced as his hands brushed his undoubtedly bruised face. Slowly, he made his way over to the brat who was speaking hushedly into a phone that looked just as cheap as his. The kid glanced his way before hurriedly finishing whatever he was saying and ending the call. A dark glare was thrown his way before he turned, undoubtedly to walk away but he paused as Levi spoke.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” He remained facing the street, which Levi would have found insulting if he had any energy left, the adrenaline spike left him with what felt like a sugar crash.

"For being a dick I mean, not that you helped much. Who'd of thought a puny thing like you would swing first.” His jaw snapped shut when he realised the tired ramblings coming out of his mouth. So much for apologising. It probably seemed like he was trying to further antagonise him, the thought made him cringe, his jaw already ached. Levi rubbed his face in remembrance as well as in mild annoyance at himself. The kid still hadn't turned around, nor had he left, but his tense shoulders gave away his irritation. Levi had best get going, but he threw a line over his shoulder as he passed the rigid form in an attempt to humanise himself.

“The name’s Levi by the way, sorry again.”

“Eren.” Levi paused in his steps. The rain was far too loud for a whisper to be heard. His trainers squelched as he faced the boy once more who was now staring at the wet tarmac. The shiner he’d given him stood out against his tan skin. Unsure as to whether he had heard anything, Levi opened his lips to ask but was cut off.

“Look, thanks for saving me but if you hadn’t been so much of a dick as you best put it you wouldn’t have had to do so and I would have still had those fucking meds.” With that, the boy stiffly walked past him and into the rain that had become a light drizzle, he didn’t look back and Levi blankly watched him retreat before he disappeared behind a corner. A numbness spread through his blood as he slowly realised what the departed words meant. His stomach suddenly clenched, he felt ill at the connotations and wasn’t that ironic because he was undoubtedly the reason a sick family member wouldn’t be getting better. Not only that but he’d also caused more financial strain for the obviously struggling kid. Ashamed was too kind of a word and he felt thoroughly deserving when a lorry hurtled past, spraying him with puddle water. He didn’t even feel it, he was too absent to care about the germs or his previous plans and responsibilities. He slowly began to follow the familiar path home, numb from the rain and the crushing guilt. He thought he’d learned from his mistakes.


	2. Music Scores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi finds inspiration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, not the earliest update but hope you all enjoy nonetheless. As always, feedback is adored!

Emotions are complicated things. They can make the most cowardly person a soldier and the most selfish person a humanitarian. Like a flip of a coin however, they can also bring out the nastiest, ugliest and most vile parts of humanity. This balance is one that humans have tried to perfect since the dawn of time. Still, the closer mankind seems to get, the further away from good we walk and the longer we fall. So the question is, are the good things enough to ignore the bad?

The walk back was abysmal. It had stopped raining but the wind chill made it brisk, add to the equation his soaked clothes and he was freezing his fucking balls off. As he approached the rundown apartments, Levi realised he’d never actually texted Hange, being so caught up in, well, being a dick. Shame washed through him like a tsunami, the blow no kinder than earlier. He pushed back the mess of shitty emotions to focus on the now, he’d break down later. Back on track, he reasoned that it was unlikely the med-student would be out of the hospital this early in the evening anyway. Levi gritted his teeth against a particularly harsh wind that seemed to sweep through his soul as he gradually ascended the grimy metal stairs. Testing the handle it appeared to be as locked as he left it. He fumbled with his keys as the wind whipped his hair like an overzealous puppy while he stood shivering. His fingers had lost all sensory input. Grasping the keys in a death grip he fought with the rickety front door, after a particularly hard shove the door happily gave way, nearly sending him tumbling. Levi glared at the overgrown plank, he’d swear it was mocking him.

He slammed the door behind him and shuffled into the dingy rented flat. Flicking on the hallway light, he carefully put down his guitar case to lean against the peeling wallpaper and meticulously scraped off god knows what had decided to host a party on the bottom of his shoes. Placing them side by side next to Walace the Wilting Plant (Hange refused to get rid of it) he began to strip off his sopping wet coat. Levi didn’t want to hang it with everything else so he gave up pretending like it mattered, he currently found himself incapable of caring, and just dropped it on the worn welcome mat. He promised his future’s bacteriophobia that he’d wash it twice.  
Still shivering from the damp clothes he reasoned why not take them all off, he didn’t particularly want the extra work of mopping the floor and he was going to shower anyway. Peeling off his white collared shirt, he dropped it onto the coat, the same went for his black jeans. He briefly wondered where his brown striped cat was, no doubt napping the day away, Levi wished he could do the same. Stood in a pair of briefs, the coolness of the flat sent shudders crawling across his bare body as he rushed to the bathroom down the hall, his feet padding a soft rhythm against the wooden floor.

Once there, he flicked the switch on the wall and proceeded to lock the bathroom door, too many times he’d been walked in on by Hange because of an ‘emergency’. More like “Are bottle caps recyclable and if so how do I recycle them?” Rolling his eyes in remembrance, a fond smile (which he’d deny), delicately painted his thin lips. Pushing down his last layer and placing it in the laundry basket, he stepped into the pristine tub and turned on the shower, dodging the freezing spray in a routine manner. Hesitantly testing the temperature, he was content to find it scalding and moved into the powered water that beat his body in the best kind of way.

Levi melted underneath the heat, rolling his muscles under the burning water that caressed his skin like an eager lover. It lovingly rolled over the taut tendons in his neck and shoulders, gliding down his defined back that dipped gracefully inwards in an enticing curve. Over strong arms and softened abs before slipping between his most intimate areas with adoration. In his incubation state, images from the day unwillingly glided through his mind, reminding himself of a boy with jade eyes. Gone was the tranquil mindset and the shame strong enough to wind him made itself known once more.  
Levi hadn’t felt guilt this heavy in a long time. He’d always hated feeling this way, and so unconsciously avoided human interaction for years out of the fear that he would disappoint or somehow wrong others, but unfortunately, the bitch that fate was it had happened anyway despite his best attempts. He didn’t know what he’d do if he ever saw him again, it was unlikely but Levi liked to think he could make it up to the kid somehow. Not that he had any money himself but he could probably call in a medicine favour from Hange. Despite the wishful thinking a weary sigh escaped his lips, his breath mingling with the steam as his self-hatred mounted. Another unbidden thought appeared at the corner of his sombre mind but he squashed it before he could process it, flushed, he quickly finished his shower. Once suds free, he turned the shower off abruptly and went to grab his towel from the railing to wrap it around his hips. It took a couple moments of grasping bare metal until he computed that the towel was not where it should be. Levi was done.

"Fucking four eyes! Screw it." Levi grabbed the hand towel to cover his modesty and stomped across the bathroom, slamming the door into the wall with a very personal aggression, he was on his way to scream into his bedsheets when he caught sight of a face peeking out from the living room, all smiles and unbothered by his undressed state. He gritted his teeth in embarrassment, was he really that distracted by his issues that he didn't hear the front door open? It’s not like the squealing hinges were quiet.

“Hey Levi! I borrowed your towel this morning because Biscuit knocked over some of my homemade lotions, I think she’s still sulking in your room.” Rolling his eyes skyward, he tried his hardest not to snap. His emotionally exhausted default seemed to be murderous anger. Hange must have had an inkling of intuition because their smile slowly dropped, coming forward with hesitant steps but stopped at what they thought to be a safe distance away from an angry Levi.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to handwash it three times!” They assured enthusiastically, reaching out to pat the grumpy man on the shoulder. He avoided it before contact was made and Hange’s positive disposition vanished like wisps of smoke and a stony look was left in its place.

“Levi, what’s wrong? Are you really that angry at me? I’m sorry but there wasn’t really anything else to clean up the mess...” They trailed off and Levi knew they’d spotted the beginnings of the nasty bruise on his chin. Their caramel eyes narrowed, when they flicked their gaze back to his own it took all of his self control not to spill everything. Hange’s concern was always touching, they’d been there for far worse but he couldn’t bring himself to admit another stupid mistake, he’d rather deal with it on his own. All he wanted at this moment in time was a sense of normalcy to end the day, so Levi did something which he did often enough to feel bad about, he brushed them off.

“It’s fine Hange, I’m fine, just tired.” The doubtful look almost made him crack but he remained standing and after another moment Hange conceded with pursed lips.

“Okay then, do you want me to cook tonight? Or how about I order in pizza!” Levi's lips twitched, much preferring Hange’s carefree manner. Yet he knew he wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought of food, or an evening of pretending like he was fine.

“It’s okay. Order something for yourself, I ate earlier.” The doubt resurfaced but Hange smothered the worry, if Levi wanted to tell, he would. Shrugging, they threw a ‘Suit yourself!’ over their shoulder and disappeared into the living room to undoubtedly visit the adjoined kitchen for some instant noodles despite Levi's suggestion. They certainly lived like a student. Alone in the hallway, the gloomy street lights that shined through the front door’s frosted window appeared to creep along the beige walls. Unnerved, Levi clutched the hand towel against him and quickly went to collect his guitar from the doorway, conscious of giving Hange an eyeful, before rushing into his bedroom as if to escape the shadows.

Shutting the door, he discarded the hand towel and grabbed a fresh pair of briefs from the clean clothes he had yet to put away, fumbling a bit to get them on as he walked the last couple of steps to his single bed, he then collapsed face first. He laid there for a long moment, just not having the energy to exist, before a small weight joined him near his pillow. Whiskers tickled his neck.

“Hey Biscuit, I heard you had a rough day too.” He heard a soft meow in agreement and Levi glanced at her with tired amusement, Biscuit was demanding to be petted.

“Yeah, yeah, I need comforting too.” His voice fell to a whisper at the end, his amusement deflating to leave him empty once again. He ran his thumb in a repeated motion over her head and gently scratched behind her ears. Soft purring vibrated through his fingers, relaxing Levi slightly, that was until Biscuit got bored with the attention and leapt off the bed without a goodbye.

“Spoilt cat.” He grumbled as she swaggered her way to the food bowl. The bed sheets rustled gently under his body as he rolled over to take in the four drab walls covered with music scores that protected his solitude. His gaze drifted over to the tiny window next to his bed that shone a soft but ill light that illuminated his sanctuary. There was one small framed picture standing strong but alone on a cheap and sparse desk below the window. It was a tattered child's drawing of a woman with dark hair and a young boy and a girl holding the lady's hands with large smiles on all their faces.

Levi turned his face away from the past to look out the window once more. He watched the street lamps in the distance dance across the dark clouds in simple appreciation. When he was younger he wanted to be a painter. Sometimes Levi still wished he was a painter instead of a musician. He craved the ability to capture moving scenes in a frozen moment, forever timeless. Such art was the only thing he ever found truly magical. Unfortunately, opportunity was an absent figure in most of his childhood and Levi grew up with his imagination being shunned instead of nurtured. Finding that crappy guitar, fixing it and learning to play through trial and error was the best thing he’d ever done. He perfected his music theory later in life, only able to buy the books when he started making money by busking on the dirty streets of Hackney. The world is a horrible place, only kind to those who show potential to succeed. That boy had made him think of a time long past. He felt a kindred connection despite his initial hostility and he recognised the meagre second-hand clothes, cheap shopping bag and tired smile for what they were. Not that he could do anything about it, hell, he’d probably just make things worse. Like the medicine. Squeezing his eyes in frustration, he let out a self-deprecating laugh.  
It was funny how being surrounded by lowlifes, thieves and all things dirty made him want to help, fix and mend the broken. Of course, with age comes cynicism and childish optimism fades into a detached outlook on life. In short, Levi had given up, and yet the boy obviously hadn’t. He was still going strong, still trying, still fighting. Such youthful determination in a rotting world was awe-inspiring. The chance of seeing such strength of character again would be low, people just didn’t have the willpower or inspiration to-

Levi heard a single note echo through his mind. That single note formed into two, then four, then eight. Multiplying like an organism attempting to make a life. Levi’s eyes shot open. He stumbled out of bed towards his manuscript book and guitar, tripping over the towel in his haste, he grabbed onto the frail stool beside the desk to halt his tumble. His fingers grasped the feeble jar of stationary, searching for a pencil with a clawing desperation, accidentally knocking them across the desk. Heavy breaths filled the stillness of the impatient room that was slowly closing in on him. Fumbling with the lone pencil he wrote down the notes that danced through his mind with the frenzy of a man trying to hold onto the sun’s light as it slips below the horizon.

Levi notated for hours, never breaking from his trance. During his semi-aware state of hysteria, a revelation came to him. Finally pausing his pencil movements, he stared at his finished scores. Wide eyes took in the music he didn’t remember creating. Sharp exhales shook his soul as steel eyes flickered across the octave leaps, accented passing notes and chromaticism with reverence.

Levi had finally found his Muse.


	3. Fading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's inspiration dwindles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo, I hope you all enjoy this timely update and as always, feedback is cherished. Thank you all!

There is no such thing that hardens a wrought spirit like hope. It is the magic that can combine a nation through simple belief alone, inspiring millions of people to follow an idea in the hope of a better world. It can change a person's mind and body by pushing them past what they thought were their limits to something beyond that. It is what maintains the will of those who don’t see a reason to continue living, and it is this uplifting commodity that creates a scar unlike any other when it fades. Hope is the last thing that keeps determination afloat and so it makes sense that the fall would be damaging beyond visual comprehension.

A month had passed since the night when Levi's outlook on life had changed. It was a small shift in his mental processing that he wasn’t fully aware of, all he knew at the time was that the world appeared minutely brighter than the one he’d come to know and expect.  
He had woken up the next morning to early sunlight curling through the room. The warmth of the sun was accompanied by a fuzzy and overwhelming sense of peace that made him roll and stretch in contentment as he wriggled his toes and admired the feeling of fresh linen. It was a feeling he hadn't known in a long time. He'd laid there for an indefinite amount of time, with biscuit tucked into his side, for once enjoying life while he listened to the muffled world outside his window as it slowly began to wake.

Levi had recalled the way in which he'd notated the night before, exhibiting the same desperate savagery as Kandata had when grasping that spider's thread. Even so, in the morning light of new chances and even newer beginnings, a smile swept across Levi's face as he rediscovered his music scores splayed across the desk. Exhilaration bubbled through his chest as his feet struggled to stay still with the need to do something productive. A new beginning indeed. All thanks to an obscure spark of inspiration, some part of him believed it to somehow be because of the kid who he still didn't know the name of but Levi liked to think it was just his own motivation making a long awaited appearance. 

It was naively foolish of him to think things would get better.

After a month he still wasn't getting anywhere. He'd composed and composed, creating five more songs all made from the same inspiration from that night. He clung to the new found insight with ripped fingernails and calloused skin but with the cacophony of ticks from incessant clocks and nothing to validate his hard work the encouragement began to dim along with the memories of what caused his creativity. Levi hated the apparent dependency. He wanted to be capable of using his own mind to make art but his muse lived in whatever happened that day and unfortunately, he couldn't seem to control what sparked his creativity. Though it didn't stop him from being disgusted by his lack of mental independence.

Levi was honestly beginning to think he was going through an early mid-life crisis which was unsettling to consider. A drastic change in thinking, a loss of interest in things he was fine with before and an unwilling infatuation with a vastly younger man seemed to tick all the boxes. Even Hange was beginning to notice his increased moodiness despite their late nights at the local hospital. Truthfully, it was quite endearing, they tried to cut back on their hours and make sure he was eating something substantial instead of his one meal a day nightly take outs fuelled by self-pity. It was something he really couldn't afford to continue purchasing but cooking was just too mentally taxing. Yet the fact that Hange had to be there to pick up his broken mess of a self at the cost of their education threw in a lovely cocktail of self-hate and guilt to his already fragile mental state, which halted his appetite altogether. It was about a week in when Levi found the deep bags and shallow cheeks harder to ignore. He started to dread reflective surfaces.

Overall, that night might have been a pivoting point in his life but things refused to look upwards. So with this dejected mentality, Levi did his every day five days a week repetition of approaching upcoming or new bars in town, performing in said bars at night for a few hours with bad pay (he didn’t dare charge them higher) and occasionally working shifts at McDonald's if they got crowded. He didn't get called in very often because his face intimidated the customers. He was losing his purpose in life after the many years it took to find one and he didn't know what to do about it.

Levi sighed in an effort to expel the emptiness that was slowly becoming as deadly as the worst disease. He was collecting his music equipment that was scattered across the floor of the bedroom that he'd need for tonight's gig, why the bar didn't have a sound system he'd never know. The process was tiring but meticulous and oddly calming in a numbing sort of way. Finally picking up his guitar from beside his desk, he caressed it with fond fingers and warm eyes. He ran a thumb across the strings, strumming them gently in an attempt to draw strength for another hard night and an even harder crowd. His fingers paused above the instrument as he caught sight of his reflection in the wardrobe mirror.

Had he always looked so, defeated?

Hiding under crumpled brows and black hair, weary grey eyes that had been cruelly aged by the world's injustices stared back. Hange was right, he did look unhealthy. Firm muscles once strong were fading from his lack of exercise and his weathered but youthful face was turning into a shade reminiscent of snow. Despite the crisp white shirt hidden beneath a dark blazer, black trousers and fancy, although worn, shoes he adorned, they couldn't draw attention away from the despondent slump of his wiry shoulders. When had doing anything become a chore? He passed a hand through limp hair and watched as it fell lifelessly from his fingers. He exhaled shakily as an unfamiliar emotion squeezed his lungs, leaving him unable to take a deep breath. Tearing his eyes away from the pitiful sight he speedily picked up his rucksack of equipment and flung it over a shoulder. Placing his life long companion into its guitar case, he strode out the bedroom door and down the hall until he heard Biscuit’s paws padding against the wooden floor. His steps fell to a pause as did hers.

“When did you start following me, huh?” He asked, fond but slightly bewildered as Biscuit weaved herself through his legs, tail high in a question mark. He’d had her for just under a year and she’d always been an aloof little lady, only following when food was involved so this was new. He crouched carefully, holding out his hand to test the waters only to be head butted, vibrations travelled up his arm at her noisy purring. Chuckling at the unexpected affection, he stroked his hand across her body and playfully up her tail.

“I’ll see you later Biscuit, take care of Hange while I’m gone.” Strangely enough she seemed to heed his remark and trotted off into the living room to probably join Hange on their day off.  
He felt calmer which he was thankful for, now he just had to survive the night.

"Be back later Hange." Levi announced his goodbye, not too bothered about being heard. It would honestly be easier for both of them if Hange didn’t notice his absence but he voiced his departure out of courtesy. An orchestral movement of noises caused Levi to jolt, swiftly turning his head in surprise to catch messy brown hair appearing from the living room.

“Hey wait! I was about to make some pasta, couldn’t you be fashionably late?” They looked a tad frazzled, they were obviously in the middle of something and not about to ‘make some pasta’ but he kept his observations to himself.

“I have to go before eight to set up, it’s the place that doesn’t have a sound system.” He attempted to placate the med-student, after all, he really wasn’t hungry. He didn’t need mothering and he could tell if he felt unwell, he wasn’t that stubborn. Hange just looked disappointed. 

“Levi, you haven't had a proper meal since Wendesday night.” His eyes did an aborted half roll at the reprimand. He felt guilty, of course he did, for making them worry and essentially forcing them to take care of him because they were a fucking medical student for fuck’s sake and that’s their job but he was also getting frustrated. He didn’t need the help.

“It’s Saturday. I know that you've been fatigued and I’m worried about your blood sugars.” They’d crossed their arms with a palpable nervousness but were unwilling to back down this time. It seemed that he had pushed them past their point of silence, it gave him a sick sense of satisfaction.

“Levi, for the love of God have a banana or something.” His lack of reaction was only making them more exasperated. Facing the door, he attempted to keep his own irritation in check, there was no reason to blow up at Hange for being a friend. He just had a lot of issues which he’d prefer to deal with privately and apparently Hange had a problem with that, despite knowing very well how he tended to cope. He took steady breaths and went through possible options on how he could swerve the likely confrontation, he really couldn’t be doing this right now.

“Hange-” 

“No, no you’re not doing this again. I’m sick of being your caretaker because you’re not mentally well enough to do anything. Which is fine, I was fine with that but you’re not even trying to get better. At least try!” An ugly feeling ricocheted in his stomach with every harsh syllable. His grip on the door handle tightened to a strength he wasn’t conscious of as he fought with the sharpness that danced on his tongue, eager to sliver free. Spite curled darkly around his next words.

“I’ll try to be back by eleven, maybe.” He ripped the door open, passing the threshold of their rundown apartment and slamming the door behind him, unaware of the indents he left on the inner door’s handle. He took a few quick steps to the inadvertent metal balcony and leaned heavily over the edge, needing to escape the shadows in his head. He gazed down with eyes full of turbulence at the lit street lamps shining halos across the dark street. The wind brushed his face and stroked his hair in greeting, like a mother asking where her child had been all day. Levi let his eyes slip shut as he simply breathed and the pressure constricting his chest eased a little in the company of mother nature. Wanting more of that fleeting reassurance he tilted further and further until his bag of equipment began to slide haltingly up his back. He leaned backwards before gravity could claim him, feeling like he did so too soon, his whirling thoughts weren’t any quieter and he wasn’t remotely close to being calm.

Levi exhaled heavily as if to rid the lingering anger that throbbed lazily under his skin. He knew this would happen, that his sorry state would make their patience snap, but despite predicting this for weeks it was never enough to shock him out of the pit he’d spiralled into. He doubted anything would at this point, all he could do was make sure nothing else influenced his fragile mindset for the rest of the evening. Tonight he was going to be polite and courteous to the manager and the patrons; nothing would piss him off or affect him in any way. With a determination he didn’t feel holding his shoulders higher than their recent slump, he made his way down the stairs that clunked under his weight.

He was half right at least, no one pissed him off.


	4. Serendipity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there, it's certainly been a while. Apologies for the wait and as always feedback is very much appreciated!

Coincidences are fascinating occurrences that many believe to happen by chance. Despite the lowest probability of a meeting or a repeated action, coincidences defy the human-made logic of a non-discriminable amount of subject-specific happenings in a singular life. Yet some argue against that meaningless definition when they themselves encounter an improbable repetition. Those individuals often believe in the obscure notion of fate or a higher power. Although, truth be told, that would provide a more solid explanation in comparison to 'it's just a coincidence'. Then again, it's up to the person with the experience to decide.

The evening walk to the bar had somewhat dislodged the weight that had settled like a heavy blanket on Levi’s consciousness. His weary anger was no longer a constant thud in the back of his mind and his tensed jaw had finally relaxed. Yet bitterness still remained; at himself, the situation or Hange he wasn’t sure but the lump in his throat and the ache in his eyes refused to abate. They’d had disagreements before, but never one so personally criticising. The urge to kiss and make up had never been a particularly strong priority in Levi’s past altercations — the person or argument not making a difference — but he currently felt outright aversion to the notion of reconciliation. A scoff tickled the back of his windpipe at his own sensitivity. Rectification was a feat which was, logically, relatively simple but he’d honestly rather sleep on a park bench than deal with the exasperation brought on by his own faults. He'd done it before after all. It was worse, however, because he knew. He knew he was the one at fault and yet, despite that glaring self-awareness, he still felt angry at the way Hange had chosen to react.

With the way depression had clung to him like a billowing cloak for months he was, at least somewhat conscious, that he was making life unnecessarily difficult for the med student. Again, he knew that, but it didn’t make the words spoken in vexation sting any less. ‘Try’ they said. Hange wanted him to ‘try’ and get better, acting as if the words themselves were a balm to his depressed soul. Yet he didn’t know how to ‘try’, he didn’t even know where to start. It was as if life had ceased turning for him. While everyone one else continued to plod along he was stuck in waist-deep cement that no one else could see. A stirring of loneliness wrapped it’s cold fingers around his chest in a burning hug. Measured steps slowed when the bar came into view and Levi quickly discarded the clinging feelings with a forced detachment.

The bar was gaudy, it stuck out from the other establishments as an eyesore due to the strobed lighting from the sign board jutting out from the side of the bricked building. His eye twitched in muted disdain. It certainly wasn’t the most tasteful out of the streets laden with commercial properties but Levi wasn’t one to care when he was getting paid. He rested beside the wall underneath the glaring sign, out of the way of the night time foot traffic, and took a moment for himself. Thoughts of his future performance and having to deal with another odious audience caused him to glower agitatedly at the cobbled pavement; an unstable tension buzzed beneath his skin. He really wasn’t in the right state of mind to perform.

A couple of dead leaves danced near his feet, one catching on his shoe for a small moment before being whisked away by the wind once more. The frown melted from his face as Levi blankly watched it twirl away into the dark. Tilting his head, he stared into the dark blue sky and for a moment his thoughts were oddly silent. He leaned further into the jagged brick, as much as the backpack of equipment would allow, as if to cement himself to the foundations so he’d be unable to entertain the people behind the wall he rested against. If only, he thought sardonically. Fingers twitched around his guitar case as Levi caught the scent of cigarette smoke on the cool nighttime breeze. His nose flexed with the instinct to breathe deeply. Instead, he exhaled and swiftly entered the premises before he lost the will.

The gust of warmth was welcomed at first but as he stoically greeted the pub manager at the open bar and walked towards the small space at the back of the room that was to serve as his stage, it soon grew into something stifling and oppressive. He felt the telltale prickle of sweat on his forehead and on his upper lip as he fumbled with his amplifier under the increasing weight of eyes. Fucking hell, didn't they have anything better to stare at? His lips twisted downwards almost unconsciously in irritation as he proceeded to set up his mic stand, slotting the mic into its holder. A droplet of sweat trickled down his temple, the journey was highlighted by the dim lighting as he discretely took in the patrons seated on the shabby red furnishings. It was too early for anyone to be drunk but that wouldn’t have been obvious by the raucous laughter from the many groups dotted across the bar stools and pool tables. Levi felt his jaw spasm with the urge to form a grimace at the thought of performing to a room full of people that didn’t care. 

After pulling his guitar from its case and connecting all the necessary leads, more people had started to notice his presence. Uncomfortable from the attention and the overworked radiators, he hesitantly undid the second button of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves as an afterthought after dabbing the sprinkling of sweat above his mouth. Now awkwardly seated on a wonky stool, he looked over the patrons once more and knew with a bone deep certainty that he'd never get used to being the centre of any kind of attention.

With the familiar pressure of a guitar on his shoulder, Levi tapped a rhythm on his instrumental companion to gain the apathetic crowd's attention. Bored faces turned to him one by one. Swallowing drily over a mouthful of what felt like upholstery foam, the bar took on a fuzzy edge at the corners as the heat of expectation settled along his skin. The generally bad decor didn’t do much to help create a friendly atmosphere and neither did the disgruntled staff dotted throughout the building. The whole setting made him stiff with unease. He let out an unintentional forceful exhale, his stomach dropping like a stone in a pond when feedback rang obnoxiously through the establishment. Cringing inwardly, Levi took advantage of the sudden quiet and struggled through his usual introductory speech. Once done, he quickly began his first song, a cover, with shaky but practiced movements and a voice strained with age-old nerves. The methodical picking of strings slowly soothed his anxiety to the point that the world gradually disappeared from his awareness. Procession of his surroundings became lacking and an echo of relief floated through the limited amount of sensory input.

His dissociation, although not obvious, was unsettling to those who were watching the musician's faraway gaze and blank expression and despite the pleasant music, an unreasonable dislike for him formed into pursed lips and turned heads. Levi remained oblivious to the underlay of distaste and simply continued. Finishing the song, a few fragmented and painfully polite claps sounded over the nonchalant conversations that had started up throughout his performance. Steel eyes darkened in annoyance at the blatant disregard; it was always the same damn thing. People only ever came to live music nights to talk through every fucking song. A whoosh of unsteadiness blew away his irritation, the heat was beginning to feel unbearable. Blinking to focus his sight, he discarded his blazer, throwing it to the side of the stage. Breathing slightly easier, he began with another cover. It could barely be heard over the chatter and Levi's mood soured further, disabling him from slipping back into his relaxed mindset. It had been a while since he’d last witnessed a crowd being quite so ignorant. A dark anger spread thickly through his bloodstream. Irritated beyond belief, he changed the chords to something more complicated in an unusual show of spontaneity by adding occasional auxiliary notes and tensing his diaphragm further to force the song out a little louder. The audience didn't spare him a glance and just like that, the frustration evaporated leaving only a bitter aftertaste. Levi didn’t care, he was past the point of caring. At one point he might have said that it didn't matter because he played for himself and for his own enjoyment. Except now, it just didn’t matter for there was no enjoyment to be had. He was wrung up and washed out at thirty two, hell, the only inspiration he’d gotten in years was because of a fucking kid. He belatedly ignored the image of a particular meeting that eagerly swept to the forefront of his mind, as if waiting for such an opportunity.

A few more forced covers were performed, gaining much the same bland applause. One song didn’t even garner a clap but Levi wasn’t surprised, the audience’s interest in his performance was dwindling as it always did after an hour (if it was ever there at all). An old original ended his first set of the night and he was finally able to escape the spotlight for thirty minutes. During his break, a number of rowdy groups came and went from the establishment like a tide, the sea of faces constantly changing. Perched on a ratty bar stool, Levi subtly kept count in an attempt to distract himself from his dejection and overall impression of feeling snuffed. Or at least, he tried. The perpetual heat that had taken a long term residence upon him was making it a bother to focus but it served as a diversion to the clock above the bar that was a strong reminder of his inevitable second performance that he’d rather avoid. He’d promised himself that this little game of face watching was the only distraction he’d require. That was swiftly broken however when a small, blonde bartender passed a whisky near where his fingers were tapping up a storm. Levi stared at the amber liquid before slowly raising his eyes to meet a kind blue gaze. Her disposition couldn't have been more unsuited to the lurid surroundings.

“It’s on the house, you have a lovely voice.” The soft smile and gentle expression convinced Levi that, there were in fact, angels amongst humans.

“I, thank you.” His small stutter of surprise was mostly hidden behind the safety of cut glass. Her eyes fucking twinkled and then she was engaged with another customer. Diffidence was the last thing he thought he’d be feeling tonight but he couldn’t remember the last time someone had given him an actual compliment. It felt unwarranted but nice nonetheless. Incredibly nice. A smile curled the corner of his lips as he cradled the glass of liquid courage close, he’d try to give her a show. Glancing up at the clock, he sighed at the time but tipped back the glass and savoured the rich whisky as it caressed his palate. It warmed his empty stomach and increased his temperature to scalding but it was worth it. He walked to the stage for his last hour with a head floating a bit too far off his shoulders.

Back on the same wonky stool with his guitar once again slung over his right shoulder, he reintroduced himself, not bothering to even look at any faces for he knew he’d simply be disheartened by the lack of attention and he was enjoying the weightlessness of good whisky. It never occurred to him that one glass shouldn't have been affecting him quite so much. He went through the next few songs mechanically and without fanfare, having forgotten his self made pledge to the kind bartender. He simply wanted the night to be over so he could sleep off what he suspected to be the start of a fever. It wasn’t until he began the first few broken chords of the song he’d composed in a night did he absentmindedly glimpse at his supposed audience. Only then did he see him, his foggy gaze sliding past then snapping straight back to a crest of chestnut locks that he shouldn’t recognise. 

Sat on the very same barstool he'd been seated at less than fifteen minutes ago, talking to the very same bartender surrounded by a group of people of a similar age was the green eyed kid. Levi didn’t know how he knew, it’s not as if he remembered a lot of details other than his eyes but apparently his subconscious did, and it was definitely him. Thoroughly thrown and feeling like the alcoholic haze had been sucked up by a vacuum, his fingers stumbled through the introduction as he tried to regulate the sudden exhales that were loud enough to be minutely audible through the mic. He continued to play despite the numbness creeping along his arms. Never in all the number of realities of life did he imagine he'd see that kid again. He fought the sudden bubble of laughter that filled his chest at the absurdity of the situation. Instead, a subtle smile curved the very edges of his lips. It was just too surreal. He thought their encounter would simply be added to the number of regrets he kept in chalked lines at the bottom of his mistake sodden subconscious. Maybe he’d get the opportunity to apologise after all, his guilt would certainly be happier for it. 

The small smile remained as he began to sing, there was no getting rid of it for whatever reason but he didn't mind. The soft timbre of his voice seemed to project off the walls and bounce right back at him and Levi was surprised to find he didn't hate the sound for once. The strident chattering seemed to ease into the background but not in a way that he became unaware, in contrast, he was hyper focused as lyrics twirled from his curled lips.

“I float through thoughts,  
And impressions of people,  
While walls guard the walkway,  
To my feelings so feeble.”

The world seemed to still as the oppressive heat seemed to become less so and more like a warm embrace. Levi’s fingers buzzed as they travelled naturally across the memorised chord progressions, the vibrato from his voice travelling throughout his body like a supernova. Closing his eyes in a show of trust to his own capabilities, he simply listened to the music being made. A distinct shift took place. One by one, people turned to look once more at the forgotten man who suddenly appeared to shine. The patrons were held captive until the last chord was played, the final note echoing across the floor, the walls and through all those present. Applause imitated a ripple as it morphed from a steady trickle to a rushing stream and then crashing waves. People clapped, wholeheartedly clapped, and Levi was stunned from his reverie as people continued to applaud. Never had he experienced such a lively response. He glimpsed down at himself. At his hands, his guitar, his fingers and couldn't quite believe the applause was all for him. Levi was in half a mind to believe it was simply the song rather than anything he did but then that was illogical because he'd performed it before and he was certain he would remember a reaction that made a smile tug at his lips. The loudest appreciation was definitely coming from near the bar, he realised, and he cast his gaze across those applauding until they landed on the blonde bartender. For one so small she certainly made up for it in pure noise. He couldn’t have stopped the smile if he’d tried, it snuck upon his face like a current beneath a calm sea. As the applause slowly receded his new cheerleader stuck up her thumbs in an uplifting gesture and that turned out to be all the assurance he needed. 

The next hour passed in a blur of applause and a growing feeling of ecstasy from the loud praise which steadily increased the quality of his performance until his final song ended with a few customers giving him a standing ovation. Despite his aching facial muscles the smile remained; covered in perspiration he soaked up the admiration like a dried sponge in an ocean. He shared another heartfelt moment with the angel in human skin when he looked her way before his line of sight was caught like a hook and dragged to what had been his peripheral. 

The green eyes that had haunted his subconscious for the past month were suddenly tied to his own and Levi felt as if his chest had been punched by an expert boxer. All the feelings from their encounter: guilt, irritation, fear, kinship were slam dunked to the forefront of his thoughts with enough force to make him momentarily dizzy. The kid was staring at him. Full on staring and he felt pinned to the stool beneath him at the unreserved attention. The look seemed far too significant for his current state of overheated inebriation to fully understand and when Green Eyes seemed to catch himself, quickly turning to look away from their intense staring contest, Levi tried to do the same. He really did, but his gaze was helplessly pulled to the shine that rippled across the tendons below the very ends of his moist hair and once there, he couldn’t stop the travel that his stare unabashedly embarked on. The tan skin of his neck appeared to glow a sticky toffee tone under the dim lighting which contrasted quite strikingly with the navy button up he adorned. The shirt was wrinkled, as if he had thrown it on as an afterthought and the small similarity between them shouldn’t have felt as nice as it did. 

He continued to suck up similarly useless information like a sensory deprived man. His observation of rolled up sleeves and black jeans was halted however when the body he was studying shifted towards him and his attention flicked upwards before he could think better of it. Too light headed to remember subtlety, Levi slowly regarded the face belonging to the eyes he'd at some point realised were reminiscent of the Caribbean shallows. Loosely pursed lips and crinkled, fuzzy brows formed an unreadable expression, consequently highlighting a tinge of purple beneath his left eye. Levi unconsciously frowned. From the distance between them it looked like a bruise, either caused by sleep deprivation or the kid was going around playing fisticuffs with every volunteer. The bruise abruptly served as a visual reminder to his own childish behaviour in their previous encounter and Levi felt like he'd been dunked in an ice bath. Startled from his blatant staring he turned away swiftly, consequently breaking their regard of one another, with no hope of portraying indifference (his body obeying him this time). An ugly red born of shame tinged his pallor as he addressed the rest of his audience, rigidly bidding them a goodnight. A last round of applause swept through the tables but quieted quickly after when he swiftly began packing away. It wasn’t intentional if he happened to take his time to meticulously put everything in place and repack his bag twice (if he happened to avoid the kid it wouldn't be a bad thing) but the main issue occupying his headspace was when exactly he'd been sucked into a whirlpool of single mindedness that caused the world to disappear from his awareness. Either he was more sick than he'd thought, drunker than he'd thought or just an uncouth idiot.

Once he was unable to justify any more time wasting, he stood on the edge of the makeshift stage and with the cacophony of voices having taken over the establishment once more he felt particularly lost. Levi had wanted to say thank you to the blonde angel, maybe get one more drink before facing Hange again but with his equipment all packed away, his blazer back on and his guitar safely in its case his incentive to do anything of the sort evaporated (not that it hadn't the moment he'd made awkward eye contact with Green Eyes). He huffed a wry exhale into the sweltering atmosphere of indoor body heat. Either way, the bartender was most likely being nice because it was her job, why did he always take people's kindness to heart when he knew better? As a potential customer and performer it only made sense, hell, he’d even wanted to apologise to the kid but that urge had quickly dived from the burning wreck of his fragile mental state. He’d thought their first meeting had been bad, apparently they didn’t even need to speak to each other for his behaviour to leave a sour aftertaste in the back of his mouth. Levi felt like a fool at his own wishful thinking. Why did he think the kid would appreciate an apology when he hadn’t cared for one in the first place? It was a shining example of his lack of social awareness that he hadn't even realised but at the very least the likelihood of seeing him again that evening was favourably small. Then again, he’d never get any closure for his shitty behaviour. He’d lick the brat’s fucking shoes if it made his guilt lessen and his acknowledgement of his own desperation only brought with it a sardonic acceptance in the form of a bitter smile.

Inhaling deeply, as if to cool his temperature from the inside out, he kept his line of sight shackled to the ugly green carpet as he attempted to slink around the opposite side of the bar to get some much needed fresh air without any unnecessary interruptions. He wasn’t even halfway to the door before the greasy pub manager blocked his pathway between two booths. His brow twitched something rotten but the irritation was pushed aside when fifty pounds found its way into his palm along with a few tips which was baffling in itself. He was minutely embarrassed that it hadn’t even crossed his mind to ask for his expected payment but the manager didn't allude to his forgetfulness, too pleased with the extra foot traffic his music had brought in when the windows had been opened. Pocketing the notes, he listened to the man’s praises with impatient gratitude and a tight smile. Only after asking Levi for a permanent gig was his attention snared from the front door that was cruelly in his line of sight to the overweight man who he momentarily gawked at only to then thank profusely as his pride momentarily took a backseat.

After the man’s waddling retreat through the backdoor behind the bar, Levi perused the bar stools on his quick walk to the exit, for no particular reason of course, but he slowed to a stop a short distance away when he failed to spot the familiar (according to his dormant observations), head of brown hair. The blonde bartender, however, was in the corner of the bar closest to the door cleaning glasses to occupy the apparent lull in alcoholic requests. He hovered awkwardly, vastly unsure if he should continue on his route of safety or actually go and say something, even though there was a chance the kid could pop back into the bar’s vicinity and the urge to avoid him was like a persistent itch beneath denim clothing. The decision was taken out of his hands however when she looked up, as if sensing his indecision, and fucking beamed at him. He breathed deeply in an effort to herd together some form of courage before casually making his way over (as if he hadn’t been about to speed walk through the front door), placing his backpack on the floor and the guitar case against the countertop as he slid into a bar stool. The drop in altitude caused his balance to take a nosedive and he quickly grabbed the bar for support. His vision speckled black for a moment before clearing, he exhaled heavily, trying to focus on the familiar sound of blood thumping in his ears. A glass of whisky landed with a startling clink near his hand in a familiar display, mildly dispersing the mental fog. Glancing at her shining expression and bright grin he didn’t fight it when his lips quirked into a weary reply to her own as she spoke.

“You were wonderful! What was that song you sang halfway during your second set because I need that on my playlist.” Levi had just begun to sip the intoxicant to soothe his nerves but her request caused a sharp inhale of surprise; the whiskey burned its way down his windpipe, making him cough indignantly and causing his eyes to prickle.

“Oh my gosh are you okay?” She reached over the bar to rub a delicate hand across his upper back. The gentle contact felt alien to his touch-starved self considering it was probably the only human contact he’d had in the past few months. No not months, his brain sluggishly reminded him, only if one counted the necessary embrace when he dragged Green Eyes away from the road. Oddly enough, it felt like yesterday as well as a lifetime ago. A hearty cough broke free from his lips, minutely fixing the persistent tickle. He'd only just lifted his hand in time to cover the spray of mucous and he couldn't quite stop his look of disgust at the offending appendage.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, sorry.” His usually smooth voice crackled with the effort of stopping another unsightly coughing fit. He shifted twitchily under her prolonged touch while he inconspicuously rubbed the contaminated hand on his jeans. She seemed to notice his jumpiness because her hand promptly withdrew although at a sedated pace. Levi forced himself to answer her previous question. “It was an original, I... don’t have it up on any social media, sorry.” Strangely embarrassed, he went to brush his germ infested hand through his sweat slicked hair, paused, then continued with the action (what did it matter, he'd be showering soon anyway) while he swirled the contents of his glass with the other in a tell of discomfort. Another droplet of sweat climbed down his neck, bedewing the shirt beneath his blazer even further. She hurried to reassure him.

“That's okay! Guess I’ll have to wait for the next time you perform." Her blue eyes suddenly widened more than he thought possible as she seemed to shrink into herself. "Sorry, I shouldn't assume, you might not like the establishment enough to perform here again, besides it's not like it's the nicest bar around so I don't blame you. Just, it would be nice to hear you again," she finished wistfully. Levi had ceased turning his drink into a typhoon in favour of staring at the bartender, his mind swimming to make sense of her sudden need to appease him, but he couldn't get a word out in time before she quickly moved on. "I’m Christa by the way,” she added a bit too brightly.

“...Levi,” he murmured, not having anything better to say. Her smile dampened at his simple response. The silence stretched between them while Levi grasped for something to continue the souring conversation while his mind spun circles around him.

“Thank you. For the drinks.” 

“No problem,” she replied genially. Heat continued to prickle his skin in waves, like a sea battering against a cliff. 

Another extended pause deafened him. 

Christ, why did he think this was a good idea? Christa had gone back to polishing speckled beer glasses in an attempt to seem busy. The sight of improper cleaning made him cringe inwardly, the disgust appearing as tight eyes and a wrinkled nose, his usual filter absent with the alcohol burning grooves through his brain.

“...so, how much do I owe you?” He enquired apprehensively after debating that offering was the right thing to do; his night’s payment sat awfully light in his crumpled pocket but Christa’s affronted expression soothed his worries.

“Not a penny, you made my shift a pleasure to work. Would you like another one? On me.” She said, gesturing to his thumb smudged tumbler. He shouldn’t, Levi knew he shouldn’t but the temptation was certainly there as he gazed absently into the mind numbing substance. It was an intense ache, the want to lose himself in more free alcohol. To not have to deal with the endless anxiety over his numerous mistakes that just seemed to keep compiling into one ugly truckload which was tied to his ankles and with no way of freeing himself he was at the mercy of the guilt that was along for the gruelling ride. First the unnecessary fistfight with Green Eyes, then being a depressed mess even Hanji had grown tired of, along with the suffocating pressure of hopelessness that he’d never amount to anything more than the washed up state he’d stagnated into. His pessimistic worldview had been a constant in his youth and although it had receded in more recent years it had never truly packed its bags and left. It was a persistent storm cloud that aimed to crown him king of his own fears with the promise of control when he already knew it to be erroneous. His head began to throb a punishing rhythm.

“No,” he announced firmly at the wall of liquor.

“Er, okay then,” came a response. Levi suddenly remembered that he was having a social interaction with a person and not a battle with his own will.

“I mean no thank you, sorry I was— I appreciate the offer.” His painful attempt at recovering the situation was met with a smile that was on the edge of being strained and that was the deciding factor to get the hell out before he made more of a fool of himself. He tipped back the rest of the burning liquid in a rush, briefly choking before clearing his throat as he stood up. He tried to grasp his guitar case but it evaded his reach, he tried again but it just seemed to get further away. A shrill ringing filled his ears, washing out the background noise to a distant hum as his tunnelled vision of a wide eyed Christa changed to the swirled white paint on the ceiling. How did they even do that? He hit something relatively soft, belatedly realising that was probably the floor. That was some good quality carpeting. Muffled voices started up around him, sounding distinctly panicked, although Levi had no idea why. His head felt heavy against the moving carpet and he couldn't help his eyes from falling shut as a new smell of cheap cologne joined the foray of spilt alcohol and old wood. 

The soothing combination was abruptly dispersed by a chilly breeze. The drop in temperature shocked his system and he opened his bleary eyes in mild surprise. A sudden fear curdled his stomach when he realised he was being held up by quivering arms while one hand dug into his waist with a firm pressure that was bordering on painful. Panic seized him. Oh God, ohgodohgodohgod he'd been drugged. His mind snapped into hyper focus as he forced himself to regain his footing and elbowed his would-be assailant in the gut, the taller body loosened his grip with a grunt. Levi tried to turn to deal a left-hook but the spin left him unbalanced and he collided heavily into an unforgiving surface. His shoulder thumped in time with his erratic pulse as Levi took his chance to check his surroundings as the guy was doubled over but his frenzy screeched to a stop when he saw Christa standing underneath the gaudy sign of the bar he now recognised, a hand covering her mouth in shock. The look sat very wrong in his mind. 

He became aware of a few other people, further down the pavement (some just having come out of establishments), people across the street and customers peering out of the windows of the bar he'd just exited, all paused in their proceedings. His heart plummeted to his feet at the attention. His trepid observations slowly turned to the poor soul he’d nearly decked in his panicked state with blooming dread, knowing he’d have to reimburse them in some way, but when the heaving body looked upwards his runaway thoughts came to a crashing halt. The glare he received rivalled the green flame he'd caused in his youth when he'd spilled cockroach killer near an open fire. He took a step back, the intensity of the gaze fiery as it flicked to his involuntary movement and Levi froze at the shift of attention. Of course, of course it would be him. They regarded each other, the tension growing thickly between them in an echo of their first encounter. Levi knew he should say something, anything, but his pounding brain and dry mouth refused to cooperate with one another.

"Levi? Are… are you okay?" His attention shifted to Christa, her voice just as small as her hunched form. The sight made his jaw clench. He stiffly nodded, a weight of regret settling heavily on his breastbone. He wanted to apologise, to reassure. He had so many words to say but not one was brave enough to make its way out into the night time air. A frown at his own ineptness tightened his expression into something unintentionally intimidating and she recoiled.

"Right, good… Oh! I'll go and get your stuff, Eren didn't get the chance while he was helping you out of the building, I'll be back in a moment!" She announced, dashing through the main entrance and narrowly missing a young couple in her haste. Levi’s forehead creased as he stared after her, confused at her quick retreat. The name she mentioned processed a moment after and with a start his gaze unwittingly connected to the kids once more; he had somewhat straightened, although one hand was still bunched into his shirt where the hit had landed. The soft creases caught Levi's eye before he snapped his focus back to the matter at hand. They looked like rippling ocean waves.

“You’re welcome by the way, do you make a habit of hitting people for no reason or am I just lucky?” The sneering tone sounded out of place coming from the lithe figure now idly rubbing his stomach (Eren, his thoughts supplied giddily) and Levi didn’t know why when it should have been the most familiar considering their hostile introduction. The urge to apologise flooded his mouth but he swallowed the words, too proud for his own good but only when it apparently mattered.

“It was an accident,” he stated instead, his frustration at the situation narrowing his eyes. The last thing he wanted was another confrontation he’d inevitably regret. The brat let out a bark of dry laughter.

"Of course it was, just like the first time yeah? Speaking of, try and hit a little harder next time, maybe you'll blind me for good and not just swell my eye shut for weeks. Oh and I guess it should be me saying thanks right? For the souvenir?" He patted his stomach mockingly albeit gently and Levi felt unfairly ridiculed. "It'll remind me to mind my own business and not help a drunk bastard who can't seem to keep his fists to himself!" he finished with a shout, the subtle echo bouncing off of buildings and into the night sky. People in earshot tried their best to look preoccupied and Levi would have been bothered by their sorry attempt if his attention hadn't been elsewhere. Eren's angry rant had caused a flush to encompass his face and the very tips of his ears and Levi couldn’t help but notice how the colour seemed to emphasise his furious green eyes in a stunning combination. It left him a tad stupefied. That is, until, the rest of the words registered and irritability took over, guarding the mountains of shame with steadfast determination. His frown deepened.

“I’m not drunk,” he replied tightly.

"Oh, so you're just naturally antagonistic? Figures,” he remarked snidely, crossing his arms and leaning against the brick wall in a manner that set Levi’s emotions on edge. He just wanted to go home now that he didn’t feel like he was roasting in the devil’s personal sauna and here the little shit was trying to rile him up. Irritated beyond belief, the spiteful words that he’d kept in check around Hange slipped free.

“Wow, big word kid, did you learn that one today? Your primary teachers must be so proud, and last I remember you’re the one who hit me first—" A fist grabbed his sweaty collar and — when had the kid moved? — yanked him upwards, his head snapped back to face a luminous anger the likes of which he’d never seen.

“You insulted my dead mother!” The world stopped as the incensed words were yelled in his face. Eren's breath smelled of sour cocktails and a fleck of spit landed on Levi's cheek but every outward stimulus failed to matter when any defense he possessed against the dark destruction of self loathing vanished and he was left to drown. Breathing became difficult as he was choked by fresh guilt and his own collar, he clutched the hand that was keeping him close enough to mock a degree of intimacy. As it was, Levi's survival instincts clawed to the surface as his adrenaline spiked and as quick as a thunderclap his fingers were in the hollow of Eren's throat, pushing down with a strong but steady force (not aiming to injure) to free him of the unintentional death grip. The grip faltered and Levi broke free, gasping greedily as he palmed the small indents in the bricked wall as he used it to back away and create some space between himself and the current object of his overwhelming self disgust. 

"It wasn't— I didn't, know," he heaved between heavy breaths, anger at himself crushing his lungs more effectively than any chokehold. At that moment Christa reappeared from the bar, equipment and guitar case in hand. In another setting, he would have found the whole ensemble amusingly disproportionate as her petite form struggled against the weight of the large rucksack and instrument. As it was, her appearance was a blessing because Eren's hostility dropped off of him like an anchor off a ship as his attention was redirected to her struggle. He rushed the few paces required to assist her. Levi blankly watched their familiar exchange of his possessions through a warbled plane of glass. The hand supporting him flexed unconsciously, the brick was rough beneath his tense palm and the gritty pain brought him back from the edge of a breakdown in time to catch the end of their conversation as Christa sprightly made her way back inside the bar.

"—in the back, take care of him okay!"

"My pleasure," was the mumbled reply. Eren turned and the sight of him carrying the music equipment in careful hands as he walked forwards when he had no reason to was enough to make nausea bubble at the back of Levi's throat. A quiet moment of inaction unfolded across the few feet between them. Levi chanced a look at the kids' face and saw thinly veiled displeasure. The unimpressed expression was enough to prompt him to move away from the wall and take his equipment. The exchange of possessions was strangely mellow, the slow pass over of valuables lacking any tension. With the rucksack on and the guitar bag finally in his grasp Levi immediately started to move past the kid, ready to go home, collapse and very possibly drink himself into a stupor.

"Christa asked me to give this to you." A card was shoved in his face before he could fully escape. Levi glanced at the laminated paper, then did a double take as he realised what he was looking at. Social media information. The insinuation of further contact made his eyes itchy and his fingers rubbery. He reached to take it but overcompensated his grip and the sudden, unintentional brush of fingers made his stomach clench violently. He jerked away like a skittish animal, taking the card with him. The ache in his shoulder doubled at the violent movement and a low grunt sounded without consent. 

Eren remained with his arm outstretched and eyebrows slightly raised at what, Levi didn't intend to find out. He quickly slipped the precious piece of paper into his pockets and continued forward with a gritted "Thanks," before he could ruin anything else. He could feel eyes on him until he finally turned a corner. The street ahead was barren and at that realisation his legs gave in and he haltingly crouched against the pavement painted with chewed up gum, dog shit, and glass bottles. Tears immediately threatened his vision and he fought to keep them there but the oily caress of shame choked his every inhale with a sickly squeeze. Resting his damp forehead against the grimy wall he wrapped his arms around himself and pressed as far into his own embrace as he could. Ragged breaths imitated a wind torn sail as they carried into the smog covered night and towards the person hovering just behind the corner of the street. A moment later, soft footsteps sounded before fading away.


End file.
